?

Log in

BAre with me, I think this is gonna be a bit of an epic post.… - Big Idea's From A Big Headed Person [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Ben

[ website | Johnny Arbuckle's Hairdresser ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

[Aug. 8th, 2008|10:53 am]
Ben
BAre with me, I think this is gonna be a bit of an epic post.

Soemthings just up with me recently, and seeing as how I am physically incapable of talking about it out loud, I need to spill my thought onto this empty webpage in an attempt to reconcile my feelings!

My mum told me a statistic once that was something like if you feel good 5 days out of 7, you can consider yourself to be an extremely happy person.

This was very true of me when I was about 16. But since then it;s been getting less and less, to the point that it seems to be every other day that I variate between the 2 extremes of excitably happy, and annoying low.

I couldn't work it out though. What do I have to bitch about?

I've got a good job, that I enjoy, and earn good money. I am enjoying studying, and feel I have a bright future in my chosen career. I don't even mind having to get up early for work, as I like going in and spending the day with the poeple around me.

I love my friends and couldn't ask for better ones. At the weekends when we hang out I love it, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

My family are amazing, and even though I bitched about having to move back into my parents house, I really don't mind it, esp now when they are away and I have the place and car to myself.

I had a great brithday, been on an amazing holiday, and even have Reading Festival coming up.

So what's the matter???

I guess this all culminated last night, when I got home after playing football, which should have been a great stress reliever, but I came home and just wanted a fight. An actual fight. Usually if someone gives me hassle I'll retreat inside my shell, and flee. But if some chav had have given me shit last night, I'd have probably done all I could to start a fight. I've never felt so angry and agressive without cause before.

You just assume when people are sad that it's because they hate their life. But I've come to an awakening ephiphany. I love my life. I just hate myself.

Seem to spend most of my time wishing I was someone else recently, or day dreaming about unrealistic scenarios in which I am loved and respected.

I look at all of my close friends, and can instantly name of the top of my head qualities about them that make me not only like but respect them.

Andy is hilarious, I don't know anyone funnier.
Scurr is extroverted and can talk to anyone.
Tommy is interesting and never is short of a great story to share with you.
Bailey is self reliant, and willing to stand up for himself and won't be taken for a fool.
Dave can find the good in every one and every situation and can even find the courage to start a new life in a foreign country.

I think of all these things, and I envy them for these abilites.

I then think if they were to do the same situation, they'd be at a loss for something to come up with.

I always surround myself with people who are similar to me. Like the same things I do, and enjoy doing the same things as me. The only problem is it ends up with myself getting depressed because they are better than me at all the things I like doing, leaving me feel inadaquate, under valued and under appreciated.

Stirling, Scurr and Bailey are all better at football than me.

Stirling is funnier than.

They all probably have better film knowledge than me (I know thats trivial but is something I pride myself on)

Dave is better at music than I am.

And even though I genuinely consider myself to the best looking out of us, they all succeed with women, where I fail. Even Tommy now, not that I am ever gonna hold that against him, as he deserves success in that area a lot more than i do... it's just frustrating.

My self-esteem right now is probably the lowest it has ever been. And I know why, but am still incapable of doing anything about which is ecven more frustrating!

Even though most of the time I enjoy being at work, it really isn't helping me.

I am the 'joker' in the office. And people now look to me to entertain most days, and most days I deliver. But 90% of these times the entertainment is people picking me as an easy target for wind ups. So what do I do? I play along, and continue the joke.

Most days I don't even care, but more and more days now I am really strating too.

The irony is I know that I am the butt of most jokes, due to my popularity within the office, and that they do make fun of me because they actually love. Sarah's games of calling me a girl and giving me man cards is funny for everyone, is her way of showing me affection.

But all it goes to illustrate nowadays is that I'm the kind of person everyone likes, but no one respects.

I feel like a sidekick most of time. I;m there doing the enjoying things, and experiencing everything, but I'm not important to anything, respected or cared about.

I've spent all my life trying my hardest to be like, and suddenly it is occuring to me that, who cares if everyone likes me. All I care about are my close friends and family.

Why should I accept being the butt of my jokes in the office to make everyone in their like me?

Who gives a shit if some random like Julie our office manager likes me. In fact, in the work environment it probably is better to be respected.

I just seem to hate every single trait I have recently.

I hate my inability to talk to anyone I am not already comfortable with.

I hate how shy I am.

I hate how pathetic and small I am.

I hate how spineless I am.

I hate how I agree to plans with people I have no intention of following through on because I can't stand to let them down.

I hate how I lie about my personality for attention.

I hate how I crave attention from people.

I hate how I cannot ever say what I am actually thinking out loud.

I hate how I feel I never have anything interesting to say, so I steal other peoples stories, often claiming they are my own.

I hate how girly I am.

I hate how everyone views me as being gay, or going to end up gay. I know with 100% certain that I am not, and all peoples views does is anger me that I'm not, as I believe it would just be easier if i was!

I hate how I day dream about reachable targets but don't ever do anything about them, such as becoming fluent in Spanish.

I hate how annoyingly arrogant I am. It's all fake of course, as this post details. But if someone says anything about me, it's a reflex reaction to come back with some comment about how great I am. Guess the thinking is that no one else will say it!

In fact the only thing I like about myself are my looks, and I end up hating them too due to my belief that I look like a twelve year old, and everyone views as that way.

I do blame Sam a lot for this epicly low self esteem. Not that is has done anything intentionally, or is even aware of what she has done.

She stayed round mine on Wednesday evening, it had seemed to me she had manouvered herself into staying round, as I saw no point in it. But then that could have been just due to my hatred of staying at other peoples houses.

Nothing happened obviously, not that I particurlar wanted it to. Think my siutation with Sam can be summed up by some crappy lyrics from that song at the end of 10 things I hate about you.

I want you to want me.

I don't want Sam, I just want to be wanted. And her comments about how the thought of me and her doing anything were ridiculous because we're more like brother and sister really upset me.

It just makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. Why is doing soemthing with me ridiculous??? I'm good-looking and fun to be with.

But maybe that statement isn't true, when the reality shows, and the thought of being with me is ridiculous.

Guess it was the whole Alex thing that sparked this off. I was fine knowing Sam didn't want me until I knew she'd been pulling him.

A guy has short as me, uglier than, and someone who has been living with his girlfriend for 4 years, meaning you were helping him cheat, was a better option for a guy to randomly pull on a night out.

I struggled with my her pulling him bugged me so much, and I think I hit the nail on the head there.

So... resolution. I can sit her and wallow in self pity till the cows come home, but nothings gonna change unless I do something.

But how do you change your inherent nature, and years of experiences moulding you into the person you are.

How do I change all the things I hate, and become more like the person I wanna be.

Short of getting an alter ego who's Brad Pitt I really can't see it.

Each day at a time is probably the best way to look at it.

Make myself talk to strangers, make myself stop playing the character I think everyone expects me to be, and belief more in myself, and my own inetrest.

Think I probably just need to get laid to improve the self esteem!!

Least with reading Festival coming up I know I have a fucking good weekend on the horizon.

Think I'll just snort by body weight in coke. That oughta numb the pain.
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: isie
2008-08-08 11:30 am (UTC)
Daaaaaaaaamn :(

Ben, you need counselling. This sounds like severe depression and self-hatred. And you've got to get this under control before your aggression lands you in a fight :( Talk to your best friends about it, consider contacting Reading Uni to see if you can visit their on-site counselling service (every uni has one).
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: isthisgrowingup
2008-08-08 11:37 am (UTC)
Counselling is fairly pointless for someone who is incapable of talking about his feelings out loud!

I'll be fine, hopefully I just needed that all off my chest!

Guess accepting and admitting is the first step to resolving right!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)